When There Are No More Answers
by ookami-san
Summary: Alone, somehow he always ended up alone. Dark/Angst fic


When Loki was young he'd discovered the existence of alternate universes. A universe that mirrored his own, but with minor changes. A word here, forgetting that envelop on the table there, ducking at just the right moment, smiling at a stranger... There was an uncountable amount of universes, each closely linked, but never quite touching.

He hadn't meant to discover this, in fact he'd been trying for something else entirely, but he had pushed his discovery to the side, to examine for another day, a day that hadn't come until now. Now he poured over the idea, poured over every small speck of knowledge he had about the subject, searching frantically for a way to fix this. He shouldn't even care. This never should have been an issue to ponder, but his cunning plot to befriend and destroy the Avengers team had horribly backfired.

He had infiltrated them, stayed distant within even if he had outwardly began to develop the bonds he'd need for information, for destruction. He'd done all of it right, he had done it all _too_ right, because somewhere along the way instead of letting that stupid Iron Man rip-off tear the team apart he had been the one to take it down only seconds before it had slaughtered Clint.

All for the image, he had told himself. Clint wasn't a big enough player to run the risk of exposing himself. But even he knew this was a lie- it had been miraculous that he'd managed to dive in front of him. Nobody would have looked at him twice if that man had died that day.

Loki had spent days afterwards in pain, brooding over what could have been an instrumental cog in the wheel that steam-rolled the Avengers. He kicked himself for it, but even the kicks had felt half-hearted to him. He hadn't been able to admit his plan was a failure, that he was emotionally attached to the damn _Avengers__,_ but he was.

It wasn't until he'd turned to Tony one late morning in bed and whispered 'i love you' while the man slept did he really understand that his enemies had turned his plot against him and instead invaded, destroyed, and overtook his icy stone heart. He had disappeared after he finally admitted it to himself and leveled a national forest in his frustration, but he couldn't bring himself to cause mayhem that would send the avengers after him, because that would hurt everyone involved and he was apparently growing too goddamned soft.

He had known this wouldn't- _couldn__'__t_- end well.

He had thought his initial ruse would be found out and that would be his undoing he'd lose what he had so begrudgingly cherished, and would be crushed again, but even when that had come to a head Tony had shrugged it off with that damn smile. Natasha had handed over $50 to Clint, Bruce had just given him that awkward smile, and even Steve had just elbowed him with his comfortable smile and commented that wasn't he glad he hadn't gone through with it now?

He wanted to hate them for this pain but he couldn't get over hating himself for not being there, for sitting on the floor in clothes he'd worn for days, dirty, with smudged tear tracks running down his face.

Where was the alternate reality where the team had not been powdered like a fine dust while Loki and Thor were finally tying up some loose ends in Asgard?

Where was the alternate reality where Tony could still give him the smile that would make his heart skip a beat and then thud painfully hard against his ribcage?

_Where__was__his__Tony__?_

As he poured over texts he had finally conceded to the point all of the texts were subtly hinting at. It was futile. The Tony, the team, in this universe were unreachable- gone forever.

Not because he couldn't rend the very fabric of time and space in two if he had to, but because the other Avengers, the other Tony's would not be the same people, would not love him or trust him, or forgive him the way these had. Every change counted, small or big, and right now they counted against Loki. Even a God could not bring his only friends back.

_Again__, __as__always__, __he__was__left__alone__._

Note:

So this is my first Avengers fic and really my first fic in a long time. I'm probably only maybenotreally obsessed with Avengers right now and I've been reading non-stop but i just got to thinking in between stories and i decided to write it out and WHOOSH new fic. Maybe one day i'll make a big long story about how this all really played out but im really bad at keeping up with anything more than a one or two shot and i have no real grasp on anything marvel and i really struggle with coming up with ideas for other villains (hence how vague they were here) but maybe if i get back into the habit of writing a story will just write itself. That all said I'd love to post this on AO3 but i need an invite and the waiting list is telling me i'm going to have to suck it up until August. So hint hint wink wink if anyone wants to throw me a bone. I'll try to write you some crappy fanfiction like this here or draw you some crappy art or something? ANYWAYS thanks for reading. :)


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